Breaking the Spirit of Your Unborn Child

Black Book 103, February 28, 2020

This idea for a slim picture book for young parents and their children has been rolling around in my head for several years now, and I can’t shake it. All I really need to make it a sure-fire bestseller is an illustrator who can nail the sort of saccharine vibe that is characteristic of so many of the educational and inspirational books that people buy in gift shops to give to expecting parents or grown children who are in psychiatric hospitals or prison. Stuff like the truly terrifying Love You Forever, which has sold 38 million copies.

The title is something that came to me in the middle of the night: Breaking the Spirit of Your Unborn Child.

At this point, unfortunately, you’ll have to imagine the illustrations that would accompany the following text (and there are dozens of pages of similar texts scattered throughout the pages of these black moleskines going back many years):

Your mommy and daddy are so excited for you to come into this dark and terrifying world, and it’s a comfort that you’ll probably be living with us until the end of our days—or even until the end of all of our days in 10 or 20 years.

You were quite the little surprise, and even though mommy and daddy still owe almost $400,000 in medical debt and student loans, we’re already trying to sock away a few dollars here and there so we can afford your therapy and prescriptions.

That little creek out back used to be very pretty, and you’ll have to take our word for it that we used to swim in it and catch frogs and turtles when we were little children, but you must promise to never go in the creek, because some of the other little children who swam in the creek got cancer, and all the frogs and turtles have died. But it was the perfect place for your daddy’s company to dump all the toxic waste it produces!

There are so many dangerous germs in the world, but since we say our prayers each night and homeschool you, we won’t have to poison you with vaccinations.

There are also many, many dangerous people in the world, dangerous mentally ill people, but we’ll protect you from them, because we have GUNS!

Sometimes even God makes mistakes and punishes the wrong people, so in the event that our house is incinerated in a wildfire or destroyed by a catastrophic flood, we’re counting on you to push right to the front of the shelter mob so you can catch the paper towels and boxes of macaroni and cheese the President of the United States throws into the crowd.

Don’t take any of the pills that make your daddy so sleepy and erratic—those are for all the pain he has from working so hard and drinking so much while he watches television.

When you say your prayers each night, always be sure to ask God for money, and ask Him to help mommy and daddy win the Powerball.

When you go to the Kum & Go for Mountain Dew and microwave corndogs, don’t talk to anyone who doesn’t look like you, especially if they have different colored skin and don’t speak English.

Always remember that JESUS LOVES YOU, but a lot of other people are GARBAGE WRAPPED IN SKIN.

If the other kids tease you and tell you your daddy made a baby with the slut Tammy Dingman, you look them right in the eye and say, “At least he was born in America.”